Perfectionism and the Holidays
Why the holidays hit hard for perfectionists and tips for allowing yourself to be Good Enough.
Oh, the holidays. That special time of year when lights sparkle, the smell of cookies fills the air, and moms everywhere quietly spiral while trying to create cherished core memories for their children. If you’re a mom who battles perfectionism — especially the high-achieving, color-coded-planner, “I’ve got this” variety — the holidays can easily transform from merry to miserable fast.
Why do the holidays hit perfectionistic moms so hard?
As a perfectionist, you likely already put a lot of pressure on yourself the rest of the year. Add in school parties, family expectations, travel plans, finding the perfect gift, maintaining traditions and suddenly your perfectionism has enough fuel to power Santa’s sleigh.
For many perfectionistic moms, the holidays really hit 3 main pain points:
1. The Pressure to Create Perfect Memories
We all picture the moments that we want our kids to remember forever. Whether it’s an attempt to provide them with what we didn’t have as a child or trying to recreate nostalgic moments from our past, expectations for everything to be perfect can make the pressure skyrocket.
2. The Belief You Must Do Everything Yourself
Perfectionistic moms often feel like asking for help is the equivalent of failure. Thoughts like “I should be able to handle this” start to ramp up and ultimately they find themselves running around trying to multitask and forgoing many basic needs… we know how this story plays out.
3. Comparison and what it means to be a “good mom”
TicTock. Pinterest. Instagram. There are endless ways to get really hooked in the comparison game. What you see on social media: Emmy’s mother making hand-crafted ornaments for the class with ethically-sourced materials. What your brain sees: I only sent in store-bought candy canes, why can’t I get it together?
Signs Holiday Perfectionism Is Taking Over
You’re up late researching the exact right present, down to reading reviews for hours after the kids are asleep.
You feel responsible for everyone’s emotions, expectations, and holiday satisfaction.
You’re baking cookies and smiling while internally wishing for January to be here so you can take a long winter’s nap.
You can’t be present and enjoy the moment because your mind is pulling you in 15 different directions.
You resent everyone for not helping but refuse help because they won’t do it right. (psst This is a BIG one).
How to have a “good enough” holiday season
If you experience perfectionism, setting the bar lower for a good enough holiday season may feel unattainable and even risky. People might be disappointed. The guilt will likely increase. Keep in mind this isn’t an overnight process, it takes time, self-compassion, and holding difficult feelings. May be this holiday season aim for trying just one of these tips.
1. Clarify your values around this season.
Values are like a compass that we can come back to to guide and ground us when everything feels overwhelming. I know firsthand, it’s so easy to get swept up in the season and forget what actually matters.
Ask yourself these questions:
“What do I want my kids to actually remember?”
“What genuinely matters to me this season if I knew there was no judgement?”
“If I were to imagine looking back 10 years from now, what didn’t matter? Can I give myself permission to let this go?”
2. Choose One Thing to Do Really Well — Let the Rest Be ‘Good Enough’
Pick your signature holiday strength – whether it’s finding a great gift, entertaining, planning an activity, choose just one that brings you joy and go at it.
Then consciously decide the rest can be… fine or good enough. Set a timer if that helps to keep the ball rolling so that you can focus your time, attention, and energy on what truly matters. (Think 4 minutes to wrap a present instead of 10… it adds up.)
3. Give yourself permission to reduce your “Should List”, even by 25%.
Write out everything you think you “should” do. Then cross out 25% of it, better yet, 50%. Keep in mind there’s no trophy for “Most Packed Calendar” or award for “The Mom Who Did The Most” during the holidays. Even if there was, is your mental and physical health worth it?
4. Ask for help.
I know, this is a tough one for sure. Choose something that might be a lower priority for you. Yes, they will fold the napkins wrong. Yes, they will wrap presents like raccoons with tape dispensers. But help is help. And your nervous system and family will thank you.
5. Lower the Bar for Memory-Making
Holiday magic doesn’t have to be complicated to make a big impact. Simple things like being truly present with loved ones, looking at lights and decorations, drinking hot chocolate together can all make the holiday feel special. Oftentimes less is more.
6. Protect your Peace
Know what triggers the comparison thoughts. Is it scrolling through social media? Or possibly the holiday-hacks blog posts? Whatever it may be, give yourself permission to unfollow, silence notifications, and decrease your exposure to content that only amplifies your perfectionism. Our nervous systems were designed to receive this constant information.
7. Notice your inner dialogue and respond with compassion.
Start building awareness of your self-talk. Be on the lookout for narratives such as “I should be doing more.”, “I can’t disappoint others.”, or “If I don’t do it, it doesn’t get done correctly.” Once you notice these thoughts (and subsequent difficult feelings) take a deep breath and acknowledge that you’re having these thoughts. You can have them, but they do not need to dictate your actions. It can be helpful to remind yourself that you are only human with finite energy and resources. Try offering yourself some words of kindness such as “This feels hard and I am still worthy of rest.” or “I’m feeling overwhelmed, many people feel this way and I know it will pass.” Perhaps talk to yourself as you would a friend or even your child, chances are it would be much kinder and less critical than how you tend to talk to yourself.
8. Schedule rest and self-care just like you would a holiday party.
This might sound basic, but it really can have a big impact. When our calendars reflect intentionality and our values, we tend to feel more present and connected. Take a few minutes at the beginning of the week to pencil in a quiet morning, a walk with a friend, watching a show you enjoy without multitasking, or letting others know you aren’t available. Holding boundaries with yourself and others around this will help you be more present and emotionally regulated.
